I have been a bit lax about keeping my blog updated but I have been so busy the past 2 weeks that I just haven’t had a chance.
I had a wonderful time in London on 25 April, meeting up with some of the people on the IPD forum – much fun was had by everyone and I certainly had a little too much vino for my own good! However, whether due to the depressive effects of the alcohol or that relaxing actually made me really think about everything, the whole divorce thing really hit home hard and I completely fell to pieces.
I couldn’t stop crying and I was physically sick and felt dreadful. It was like having flu but in my mind not my body. I couldn’t concentrate and trying to think clearly or string a sentence together felt like punching through fog – pretty much impossible. I don’t think that not having slept properly since he told me it was over had helped and I just reached the point where my mind said, I’ve had enough, if you won’t stop and actually acknowledge your emotions then I’m going to make to stop. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t pleasant but my mind was right. I had been in shock since it happened and I had dealt with things and processes so I didn’t have to actually feel the emotions and I needed to feel. As my Mum pointed out, I am 29 yrs old, I had been with my soon to be ex since I was 19 – that is a third of my life and I was expecting myself to cope as if all that had happened was a small change of circumstances, not the total removal of life as I had known it for 10 years.
Today was my first day back at work since I ‘stopped’ and I have to say that I was good to be back but I still struggled to concentrate properly on everything. However, I’m not going to beat myself up about not getting straight back into it. I’m going to be kind to myself. I will make sure I have a nice walk with the dog, have a drink outside while the sun is still shining, take the time to have a proper meal and do something I really enjoy. Tomorrow is another day and I will do my best with that day as I have done my best with this one.
One thing that I realised last week was that just because I felt like I was falling apart doesn’t mean that I am not strong. I am – I have an inner strength that, when I have really looked at myself in the past days, is astonishing to me. And I am stronger now that I was before I ‘stopped’ as now I have confronted my emotions, acknowledged them as real, valid and helpful and I can now move forward feeling more at peace with myself than I have done for some time.
I’m not saying that I feel fine, I’m completely over it and nothing can ever bother me again – far from it. What I am saying is that by accepting how I feel, rather than pushing it away, means that I am not fighting myself any more. There is nothing in my heart or my head that I cannot confront, understand and accept any more and knowing that makes me feel like singing. It is hugely powerful to be able to say that you aren’t frightened of yourself any more and it feels like the first step on a long journey of self discovery. I can now look deeply into myself and find out who I really am, what I really believe, who I want to be and how I want to get there. And the best part is I get a lifetime to find this out. I don’t have to measure myself against anyone else anymore, firstly because there is no no-one in my life who judges me against anyone else and secondly because I have now, somehow, managed to stop comparing myself to others. The only thing I have to compare myself to now is the self that I want to become. I only have to answer to me!
I think I need to think more about this – it is getting quite deep, but just knowing that the only limits will be self imposed ones is somehow really comforting and exciting in equal measure.