So, along with approximately thirty other people, I’ve signed the linky list over at WeWriWa and thus I am posting eight sentences I have written this week and then, tomorrow, I shall blog hop and see what everyone else has been up to and hopefully make some new friends and get some con-crit on my work.
The eight sentences I’m posting are from the start of a short story I’ve been brushing up to send out to some magazines. I’m not going to say any more than that because I want to see what impression everyone else has of what’s going on:
‘You look … umm …’ his eyes travel over every inch of my body, widening comically as he takes in what I’m wearing, ‘err … fat.’
I smile benignly back at him, hiding my amusement that he couldn’t even feign civility long enough to greet me properly.
‘You’re entitled to your own opinion,’ I say, biting the inside of my mouth when his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, ‘but perhaps your doorstep isn’t the best place to have this conversation.’
His eyes darken as he steps back, jerkily gesturing for me to enter and I quickly step inside.
‘This way,’ he barks, pushing past me and heading for the door at the end of the hall way. ‘You’ll have a coffee.’
From next week I shall post my sentences on a Sunday too but I wanted to do this weeks early in the hopes of encouraging a few more people to join in!
Kizzia Mildmay 
Enticing – in as much I definitely want to know a lot more.
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Thank you! Enticing was a hoped for reaction 🙂
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I really want to know what the narrator is wearing. There doesn't seem to be much love loss between the two characters, so I really want to know why she's showed up on his doorstep and what the “little farce” is. It's a very interesting opening and certainly one that hooked me in.
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Thank you for commenting, I can confirm that her clothing does get mentioned later in the story. I'm glad it hooked you. I struggle so much with openings!
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You've captured my attention. I definitely want to know more about both characters. I consider myself pretty laid back, but I'll admit, she handled his fat comment with more grace than I think I would have.
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*grins* They say you should write what you know and that opening line was actually said to me. I responded in exactly the same fashion but then I knew why it was being said and was determined not to rise to the bait. Thank you for sparing the time to comment, I really appreciate it and I'm glad the opening seems to work.
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The beginning definitely catches your attention. It makes you wonder about several things.
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Very intriguing! You got me hooked with this excerpt! What I reaally find fascinating is that that whole situation immediately puts my mind in hyperdrive. How do those two know each other, and what happened earlier that led up to that particular piece of…flattery..Can't be much more than a greeting – hence the doorstep info. It's not a date, is it? Is he a bartender (serving drinks in public)? Her mean brother? But maybe the MC is not a she…And what's up with “the little farce he insists on perpetrating”? Oh man 🙂
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I'm torn between utter curiosity and wanting to knee this guy in the balls for making the 'fat' comment. In short, you have me hooked. lol. I really enjoy your style. I'll definitely be back for more! 🙂
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Hmm.. this is a very intriguing exchange! Is this a good guy or a bad guy? Want to find out!
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Good hook ~ I've got to find out what happens!
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This was intriguing from the start! So many questions; why is he so curt, rude, etc.? What was she wearing that made her look fat? Can't wait to find out. Good post.
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I struggle so much with how to start my stories so I'm really pleased it caught you. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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Ooh, hyperdrive. I like that thought 🙂
And no, it most definitely not a date. A date is what happens when two people who like each other spend time together. These two definitely do not like each other … any more.
Thank you for commenting.
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Thank you! Such a lovely thing to say. And I wouldn't object if you did knee him in the balls 😉
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Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm glad I've intrigued you. If I do get it published I'll shout it from the roof tops so you can find out what happens 😉
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Thank you! If I get it published I'll certainly let everyone know.
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Yay for making you ask questions! I keep trying to comment on your wonderful snippet on the doggie but it won't let me. I'm not sure if it's me being technologically incompetent or my computer being evil! Anyway, thanks for commenting and I really liked your eight sentences. As a dog owner myself they really rang true.
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Very interesting and it got me hooked. Now what happens next. Can't wait to find out. 🙂 Loved it!!!
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Lovely to meet you Kizzia! Interesting snippet. Are they married? In some other kind of relationship? Is she really fat (I'm guessing not, since she wasn't insulted)? And what's his problem anyway?
I'm totally rooting for her in this.
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This snippet had a great flow to it and I liked that he couldn't even find civility in the first few seconds of arrival. It sounds as if they're putting on a show for someone else to keep up some sort of appearances. Nicely done. 🙂
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Hi Kizzia, Interesting eight. Lots of back story between them and “fat” as a greeting. Must be his surly personality or he needs a bit of romance and soon.
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Interesting and, as others have noted, the excerpt immediately engages the reader with all kinds of questions that WILL keep us reading LOL. I liked the character's “voice”. Great snippet!
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You avoided bait? That is a very difficult task. Now I am wondering why he is baiting?
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Any more……that adds even more to the mystery.
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I am wondering why she trusts him? Why she will cross the door step? She will drink his coffee? I am at a total distrust of him at this point.
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You've definitely caught my attention with this. Why is she on his doorstep, what is she wearing, and why don't they seem to get along?
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These eight sentences caught my attention and I want more… 🙂
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Well he has quite a way with him. I like your POV character, though. Very self assured.
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LOL! I do love his snark, though I admire even more the way your character handles it. :c)
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