Kizzia Mildmay

… in your imaginations, that is, because there aren’t going to be any, other than this one.

I could pretend that my failure to finish writing them was simply an oversight and make a spirited attempt to catch up over the the next week but I’m not going to. I simply don’t have the energy this month and I think it’s better to admit that here and now rather then try to pretend everything is okay, push myself to met arbitrary targets for personal work (as opposed to stuff that puts food on the table), and thus make everything a thousand times worse.

In the spirit of being more open about mental health I am going to talk a little bit about my brain weasels, which have been multiplying like rabbits since the pandemic started. I call them brain weasels because they are small, fast, and deadly and like nothing more than to attack and feast upon my self esteem, my executive function, and any positive thoughts they can find.

Now normally I can cope with a couple of them roaming over-excitedly about my head; it takes energy to keep them under control but it’s manageable. However once the pesky wee beasties have reached critical mass (which they did in January) the amount of energy it takes to keep myself going under the all out assault is rather significant. If I want to keep myself fed and clothed and achieve the bare minimum that is necessary to function in terms of work and acting as a carer, then I have to guard my energy stores carefully and something has to give.

This month – a month I have always found hard because it’s grey and spring is still not here and honest to goodness I just want to see the sun for more than five minutes at a time – has felt particularly bleak. Between the snow stopping me from walking in the woods as I normally would (45 degree ice covered slopes are not the things to be scrambling up and down with a dodgy knee) and the lockdown just keeping on with no firm end in sight, finding the energy and will to do anything more than survive has been hard.

I have been crocheting daily because for me it’s a form of physical meditation that helps to keep the brain weasels corralled and under control but doing anything else for pleasure has been a real struggle. I’ve managed to keep writing snippets of fiction (I am determined to write every single day this year no matter what) but creating personal blogs for public consumption is just that bit more than I can manage. Even getting this down has been difficult. I’ve had to resort to compiling it in five minute bursts over the last week and I have no idea if it makes proper sense because I simply haven’t been able to get my brain to properly co-operate in creating it.

So I’m now giving myself permission to not blog as I had planned this month and instead simply concentrate on conserving as much energy as possible and not letting myself be overwhelmed. I’m learning, slowly, that pre-emptive action is better than forcing myself to meet arbitrary goals until I simply can’t function and I have to drop everything. If I get it right then I should be in a position, mentally and physically, to blog as planned in March and I’ll simply include two months worth of content in each one.

Now, though, I’m going to finish what I need to do today to keep my world spinning on its axis and then curl up and watch something comforting that doesn’t require me to think too much. Recommendations for such viewing would be gratefully received!